My Key Takeaways from ‘How to Win Friends & Influence People’ by Dale Carnegie

“The desire to be appreciated is the deepest urge in human nature.”

The book is divided into four (4) main learning parts detailing the best practical ways to handle people, making people like you, winning people to your way of thinking, and how to effect positive change as a leader. Continue reading below for a summary of my key takeaways.

Handling People

• Criticism is futile and more often than not incurs resentment rather than a corrected behavior. It kills ambitions and makes the person on the receiving end defensive. When dealing with people, remember that we are not creatures of logic but of emotion, bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity.
• The only productive way to get people to do what you want them to do is by offering sincere appreciation and encouragement. Human beings crave the feeling of importance and this can be achieved by appreciation which in turn nourishes self-esteem. Honest appreciation gets results where criticism and ridicule fail.
• The only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants. Think of how you can make them want to do what you want them to do by demonstrating how they can benefit from that action. Stop talking about what you want and see the other person’s viewpoint. All of this is summed up in the principle — Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Getting People To Like You

• Show genuine interest in other people and their problems. To develop real friendships, you must put yourself out to do things for other people — things that require time, energy, usefulness, and thoughtfulness.
• Give warm, hearty, and cheerful smiles to the people around you. You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.
• One of the most obvious and most important ways of gaining goodwill is by remembering people’s names and making them feel important.
• Listen to people with rapt attention and talk less about yourself. It is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone. Be a patient and sympathetic listener, encourage others to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
• To pique people’s interests, talk about the things that interest them.
• The desire to be appreciated is the deepest urge in human nature. Always make the other person feel important. Show people that you recognize their importance and do so sincerely.

Winning People to Your Way of Thinking

• You can’t force people to agree with you or change their minds. Avoid arguing with people at all costs because even when you win the argument, you don’t gain their goodwill and you may not necessarily change their minds. Demonstrate a willingness to explore the other person’s point of view replacing arguments with tact, diplomacy, and conciliation. You can possibly lead them to your perspective if your approach is gentle and friendly. Gentleness and friendliness are stronger than force.
• Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint. Show respect for other people's opinions. Find ways to share your own opinion or facts diplomatically without bluntly telling people that they are wrong. It bruises their ego and insults their intelligence and will most likely not make them change their minds.
• When we are wrong, we should admit our mistakes quickly and emphatically. Don’t pretend and let it slide.
• If you want people to cooperate with you, make them feel that the idea is theirs. Do not impose it on them.

Navigating Leadership to Effect Change

• If you must find fault, begin with praise and honest appreciation. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing someone.
• Don’t start with praise then add a ‘but’ for criticism. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly, this can be done by leading by example.
• No one likes to take orders. It’s easier to correct people when you’re not giving them orders. Asking questions instead of giving direct orders gives people the opportunity to do things themselves, learn from their mistakes and save them their pride. It stimulates the creativity of the person in question.
• Even if we are right and the other person is wrong, always let them save face so you don’t destroy their ego.
• Praise reinforces good behavior. Practice using more of it while minimizing criticism and harping on people’s faults. Tip: When giving praise, make it specific not generic. Generic praise comes across as insincere.
• You can easily lead people if you acknowledge and show that you respect their abilities. It gives them a reputation to live up to.
• When you tell people they are not good at something you destroy the incentive to try to improve. To help others improve, let them know you have faith in their ability to get it done and make the fault seem easy to correct.
• Lastly, people are more likely to do what you want them to do when you make them happy about doing it. Making them happy entails communicating the benefits they stand to gain from doing what is asked of them. The benefit could be something as intangible as building an excellent professional reputation or gaining recognition for great work.